Sunday, November 14, 2010

Memories

I haven't been home for almost 2 weeks. I have only been three places in those 2 weeks: The hospital, the Guest House, and last night I visited my sister at her house.

Today, because of a combination of me being sick, and also needing more clothes, I decided it was time to take a trip back home. This was hard, leaving my heart back in the hospital. But I had to go while my mom was there to watch him. It was now, or never.

The ride home was surprisingly fast. I don't know where my mind was, but I swear I just blinked, and we (my sister and I) were turning onto the street of our house.

As we pulled into the driveway, the first thing I noticed was the walnut tree in our front yard. Last I had seen, it was full of leaves, with only a few scattered on the ground around it. Now it is bare and grey, surrounded with a cold air that hints of snow. Funny how fast things change in a few weeks.

Before I am even in the house, I can feel the tears threatening to come out. When I reach the door, I see Mason's dump truck on the porch, and then the tears are rolling. I hurry inside, so glad that my dad has chosen to have the lights off, so that I can sneak by without him seeing.

But I shouldn't have gone in my room. It is full of things that remind me of Mason, and all I can think of is how much he has gone through at such a young age. and what still lies ahead. Every picture he has ever drawn is currently hanging in my room, and I have to stop and remember to breathe.

He's okay, I tell myself. He's going to be fine.

But there was a time when I didn't know that, and for some stupid reason, I let myself remember that fear. How could I have come home to this, if he had died? I would have moved away. I would have gone anywhere. I know it already.

After a few paralyzing moments, those feelings begin to fade, and I am able to take a better look around the room. Someone has moved things. The computer is on, so my brother has been using it again. The room smells like dog, so the dogs have probably been in here, too. This isn't the way I left the room, but I am instantly glad. It allows me to have a sort of detachment as I go about getting my things together. I just can't look at the pictures. Or the toys. Or the books, clothes, and....

My mom calls with good news: Mason has had a bowel movement! I never thought I would be so happy about something like that! They had to give him a milk & molasses enema last week because he hadn't had one, and I had sworn never to let something so traumatizing happen to him again. But they were planning another one for him tomorrow ON HIS BIRTHDAY, if he didn't go today. I was planning to hit anyone who tried, so this news is awesome.

After the call, I am also reminded of the many good things I have in life: doctors, medicine, science, family, friends. Because of these, my son is okay.

...and that's all the matters.

4 comments:

  1. When you talked about seeing his dump truck that just made my heart ache - that would be such a profound moment. I'm so glad that everything went well with this most recent surgery. He is such a trooper and so are you. We are thinking and praying for you!!

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  2. I cry every time I read your blog. A lot of saddness for what you have to go through, and what little Mason has to endure at such a young age....and a lot of happiness that he is doing so well. He's such a little fighter and he has you, and his family to thank! He's a special little boy and he's so blessed to have you as his mom Pene!!

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  3. Hi! :o) Boy do I know about milk and molasses enemas! Kirsten has had them for years. They're very helpful. They are not a bad thing. They help 'move' things along! :o) You are going through a lot right now and I hear you. I've been going through it for years. I just want to let you know it's okay to have down days, sad days, tired days; you're not super human, none of us are. My suggestion to you would be, remember to take time and rest, even if it's only 15 minutes, your body demands it as well as your peace of mind and coherence. Take a moment and empty your mind and allow yourself to talk with God spirit to spirt; it is quite calming and reassuring. I know from my own experience when you get so tired you don't have needed energy because 'you're on' all the time, thinking, making decisions, click, click, click. Take a few moments (even if it's only 5 minutes) to 'bring things into focus through the spirit, rest, and you get right back in there. You're doing great! Have a wonderful day! Take each moment one day at a time. ♥

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  4. Pene, this is so hard to read. I have mixed thoughts as I hang on your every word. I know we're not close or anything, I feel bad for not keeping in touch with you and your family better. Thank you for being honest and sharing your experiences. There are so many things to be grateful for in life and I am wishing mostly for this time to just fly by for you.

    If there's anything I can do, meals, pictures - whatever, just let me know! It's hard to be a photographer and not be able to have pictures with you in them in the same quality as when YOU take them.

    May angels watch over you constantly.
    Love,
    Amy (Kelly) Garner

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